The Playground is a "relationship diary" - a place for you to share your dating a relationship stories. It's YOUR story, so other than your relationship story being genuine; the only rules are the ones you make. Your story can say as little or as much as you'd like. You can email your stories to playground@relationshipplaybook.com .
When I first set out for this venture I was still very naive, I believed in eternal marital bliss. We both came from very traditional families that held together by decades of successful marriages. The fact that we stood before them, and God, professing our undying love and devotion to each other was the creation of an impenetrable bond. A bond which grew stronger as the years passed.
I sit here today, 11 years, 2 children, and countless memories later, and I ask myself how did I wind up here? I'm at a place I thought I would only reach if I were to fall out of love, but I am still very much in love. Even though it's not the same invigorating, inexperienced feeling, as it was in the beginning of our marriage, it has ripened into an unwavering emotional stability. We promised each other "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" and we have both lived up to it.
At first we were embarking this new adventure, ready to take on anything that came our way. We started as two unseasoned individuals walking down an unrecognized path. Along the way we encountered many obstacles, and we stumbled and fell. We unconsciously brought the other down at times, unaware that what were once "my needs" had been converted to "our needs". We learned how to provide support for each other and realized that when one was weak the other had to be strong. We needed balance in order to survive. Now the path is not unrecognizable. We've been walking on it long enough to anticipate the obstacles. We can see much further ahead so we stumble less. In the beginning we used to fall together and get back up again. Now we almost always catch each other before we fall.
My marriage is based on love, communication, and most importantly, sacrifice. Love is the foundation. It's what everything else is built on. It's the reason we sometimes make right choices as well as wrong ones. It helps us see clearly but can blind us at the same time. When it is true it has an infinite grip and has no boundaries. It can be the reason behind delirium or the cause of despair. A successful marriage always has love. You can't begin to build without it. There is no middle ground. If there is no love it will eventually fall apart because the foundation is weak. My foundation is strong and everything that has been built on it has remained whole. I sometimes find myself reminiscing about our wedding day, the days I found out I was pregnant, the days I gave birth to our children, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and realize that the more time goes by the more substance in our relationship. Every little detail, good and bad, becomes a part of what defines our union. Some things are debilitated by time, others are empowered.
Communication is the key, however cliche it might sound. If we don't express our feelings how can we expect another to understand them. I don't know how many times my husband has told me that he's not a "mind reader". I realized that instead of getting upset I should start telling him how I feel. Throughout the years there have been times where I felt my marriage was becoming monotonous. We fell into the same mistakes many couples make. We stopped going out of our way to have a productive relationship and this made it less productive. We would forget the essence of our happiness. Communication helped us break away from these mistakes. It helped us understand each other's needs and as a result do something to satisfy them. I remember one day waking up realizing that my husband had stopped kissing me goodbye in the morning before he went to work. I spent a whole week frustrated at him because he would leave the house and barely gruff a farewell. He has always been an affectionate man but sometimes he can forget the little things. After a week he asked me why I've had such an attitude before he left the house in the morning. I told him and his response was, "why didn't you just SAY something". Exactly...why didn't I? Never again has he left the house without saying goodbye.
Sacrifice is definitely one of the most difficult parts of marriage. It's knowing that sparing one thing fortifies another. I've sacrificed many things, directly and indirectly. I sacrificed myself as an individual to become part of a union that later transformed into my family. There were many dreams I would have loved to pursue on my own, but because my family couldn't be a part of them I chose not to. I sacrificed my youth to become be the best mother and wife I could be. There were times when I would have preferred to be out partying with friends instead of being at a parent teacher conference, the supermarket or a company dinner with my husband. I sacrificed life experiences by not ceding to temptations put in front of me. I've had many attractive propositions. Some of which I now wish I had taken, but in the end I chose my family because it has always been my first priority. I've sacrificed all of me to become part of us.
My husband is a good man. He's a good father, husband and provider. He's what many women refer to as an "excellent catch". He loves his family as much as I do, but he has succumb to temptation one too many times... he's a cheater. We've come far with the love and communication, but he hasn't done his part with the sacrifice. Choosing not to give in to carnal weaknesses is high on the list of sacrifices. I've never condoned the cheating, but I would excuse it. He being a man was enough for me to justify his actions. I couldn't think of any other valid reason. I used his love for me as reassurance that the cheating didn't matter. So what if he smelled like perfume one day or I found a suspicious text message another? After all, I wasn't going to deprive myself or my children of our well deserved happiness because my husband wanted to get a little in the side. His disregard for our commitment was shadowed by my desire to keep my family intact. My loyalty to him, as well as our children never subsided, even after the indiscretions. I would be an emotional roller coaster, full of rage, disappointment, regret, and betrayal but I never felt vengeful. I never felt like doing the same because, unlike him, for me there had to be an emotional connection. I couldn't just be with someone for the sake of physical pleasure.
My current emotional state of being is a dangerous one. It's not a reaction, it's a decision. A coldly calculated process that I have allowed myself to become involved in. I have decided that I am tired of sacrificing myself. I am tired of giving undeserved fidelity to my husband. A marriage requires both parts to participate and give equally. Even though he gives a generous amount of himself, monogamy, a fundamental part of our commitment, has been overlooked. Now I ask myself, what other reason is there for MY fidelity? Out of mere sacrifice, without result? Monogamy is a condition but fidelity is a choice, accompanied by emotion. It stems from loyalty which, ideally, should be reciprocal...
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